Husband threatens to divorce pregnant wife if she doesn't quit her job after the baby is born, says he'll sue for custody if she refuses to quit: 'He said his decision is final and that I should be grateful'

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Senior Editor
Jan 4, 2025 4:00 PM EST

Not everybody is made to be a stay-at-home mom. There are a lot of moms out there who wish they had been able to stay home for the first couple of years of their children's lives or indefinitely but can't because of financial reasons. But at the same time, becoming a parent does not mean you must forfeit your career against your will. Working is a big part of all of our lives, and if you don't want to leave the workforce, nobody should force you to do that. The only person who can force you out of your job is your boss if they choose to fire you. Unfortunately, the soon-to-be dad is trying to play boss and force this 40-year-old mother to leave the job she loves. Not only did he threaten to divorce her if she didn't, but he said he'd sue for custody of their unborn child.

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    via Ivana Cajina (Unsplash+)

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

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    My husband said that if I went back to work, he will divorce and fight for sole custody. He will pay me my salary to stay home
    via u/Current-Ad562
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    I (f40) am due in 3 weeks. My husband (m36) said that he didn't want me to go back to work afterwards. I was shocked because this is something he never have talked about before. But he said that circumstances changed and if it was about money, he will pay me my salary.
    via u/Current-Ad562
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    Now I started to think about the gym he built in our basement. He said that now I didn't have to go to my gym because I have one here. He makes all grocery shopping too or he asks me to make it delivered.
    via u/Current-Ad562
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    Cheezburger Image 10450275072
    via Brian Wangenheim

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

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    I have never agreed to this. I love my job and he knows that. But he said his decision is final and that I should be grateful. He encouraged me to ask anyone if they would stop working if
    via u/Current-Ad562
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    someone paid them and see what they would answer. Mom said she definitely would stop working. I didn't ask the rest of my family because he had this I told you so expression on his face. What is your answer?
    via u/Current-Ad562
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    Cheezburger Image 10450275584
    via Ayo Ogunseinde

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    • katubug 19h ago Trust your gut. There are so many red flags in this post, and especially that he waited this long to spring this on you, so you'd have the impossible choice of single parenthood or staying with someone who expects you to basically submit and "be grateful."
    via u/katubug
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    You are there in your situation. You know all the history, the context, you have witnessed the body language, the subtle undertones. You have more information than anyone else, and your subconscious knows what the best solution is.
    via u/katubug
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    I'm some random person on Reddit. If someone paid me to quit working, sure, I'd consider it. But part of that consideration is the source of that offer, and their motivation. I don't have that information - but you have an insight into it. And I think that insight is already serving you, and that's why you're hesitant. By all means, weigh all your options. But don't ignore your gut feeling. Your subconscious knows more than you realize. Good luck.
    via u/katubug
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    Current-Ad562 OP The last part you wrote. I actually told him so. He said it was ridiculous. The answer is yes they will quit no matter who is paying
    via u/Current-Ad562
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    Chroniclyironic 1986 And if he decides to stop paying, what then? If he freezes the account you have access to because he doesn't like you spending time with friends or setting up playdates you'd be without your own income or his. As the commenter above wrote, you know better than any of us what the full situation is. But i will say that i get a bad vibe off this whole situation and it seems like you do too, especially if he's not willing to lay out concerns to
    via u/Chroniclyironic1986
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    exactly why he wants this or take into account your own desires on the subject. And i say this as a 38 year old father myself. I highly doubt him paying you your salary will come with a legally binding contract, so it basically amounts to paying you as much as he feels like for as long as he feels like. I'd have a hard time trusting that promise to be kept, even by a partner.
    via u/Chroniclyironic1986
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    KiloJools • 18h ago • Edited 1h ago • If the goal of paying me not to work was to keep me at home, isolated from others, in order to be 100% dependent financially and emotionally on the payer... NO. Intent AND impact both matter. He might act like his intent is to make sure you and your baby are safe and always cared for by trusted people (though you don't really share what his expressed intent really is), but the impact is still isolation and dependency.
    via u/KiloJools
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    But whatever his expressed intent is, he's threatening you if you don't comply, so even if he is pretending he is pure of heart with his "offer", his threats give him away. Your spouse is supposed to care about how you feel, not tell you how you "ought" to feel. You ought to feel grateful? Why, exactly? None of this feels like it's going to lead to a happy and fulfilled life for you. For him, maybe.
    via u/KiloJools
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    Him offering to pay you...is that verbal? Is he going to use a lawyer to write up a contract? Is the money 100% yours to do with as you wish? Can you deposit it in an account he has no access to? What are the terms, exactly? Will he create a company for you to be employed by so that you have a thin veneer of not having a gap in your resume? (I doubt that it would be a very good veneer regardless.) Will you be allowed to join social groups like Mommy clubs, or are you expected to be home 100% of
    via u/KiloJools
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    I would have all these questions and more in your situation. If he has truly good intentions and cares about your safety and security, he'll be happy to answer all these questions and get a lawyer to draw up a fair agreement.
    via u/KiloJools
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    If he is just trying to control you (which can come "out of nowhere" once an ab er feels he has trapped his victim - major milestones like moving in together, engagement, marriage, pregnancy, childbirth - the actual point at which they decide you're trapped "enough" may vary, but the timing of your situation is awfully suspicious), then he will simply stonewall you on all your questions and continue to say things like, take it or leave it, you should be happy, don't you trust me, why do you want
    via u/KiloJools
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    Ask questions. Get unbiased counsel and representation for your protection. Make your decision with way the heck more info than you have (or have given us). Does he allow you to have friends? Are they just your friends or are they mutual friends? Are you allowed to talk to people without him listening in?
    via u/KiloJools
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    Are any of your family members or friends local, or have you moved away from all your support system? Does he let you visit anyone, like your mom, by yourself? Would you be able to tell him you're gonna go spend a few days with your mom to learn more about motherhood? I am basically asking if you can leave him covertly and safely in case you need to.
    via u/KiloJools
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    Please talk to whatever friends you (JUST you, not mutual) have and any family that you trust (to not share information with him or take his side just because they're so enamored with him or so aligned with patriarchy that they can't see abe for what it is). Tell them everything, every little detail you can think of. If you have a therapist, talk to them. If you don't have a therapist, get one (I know that's easier said than done, but get started on it no matter what). Same goes for a lawyer.
    via u/KiloJools
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    If you feel like you won't be "allowed" to speak to a therapist or a lawyer without retribution, I think you have your answer in regards to his motives. There's a free PDF called "Why Does He Do That" that is often linked to (I don't have the link on me but someone might pop up with it). People often recommend reading it to see if any of his behaviors are warning signs. A lot of people say their eyes were opened by what they read. It sounds like you might want to read it.
    via u/KiloJools
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    Monarc73 Sure, he'll pay you a salary. Into an account that he controls. This sounds like the first step in an effort at financial coercion.
    via u/Monarc73
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    iijoanna That grocery thing is concerning...and the gym, in addition, to not going back to work. He doesn't want her to leave the house? It sounds like complete control.
    via u/iijoanna
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    TheFellhanded Him paying your salary also does not contribute to the house income. Also, if you do get a divorce (which he is ok with apparently) then your earning potential is gone
    via u/TheFellhanded
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    purplesugarwater •19h ago • Edited 17h ago • I was previously in a marriage where my partner made an effort to isolate me from my friends and family, and while I don't know your situation in detail, this reads similar and is definitely a red flag
    via u/purplesugarwater
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    vbm510 • 19h ago • Same situation with me. I divorced that man. Now I work full time, my son is 15 and I have an amazing husband who works and respects me. LEAVE
    via u/vbm510
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    delirium_red He cannot get sole custody. RUN
    via u/delirium_red

  • “Hello, Mr. Judge. My wife won't do exactly what I tell her to do, and because of that refusal, I want to legally take her baby. What say you?”

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    EchidnaFit8786 • 18h ago • Honestly. Leave. He's trying to isolate you & make you completely dependant on him. Then the ab_e will get worse & worse. There is no fixing this. It's already begun. The only answer is to leave now before the baby comes, so it's not harder later with a newborn. Speak to some DV places.
    via u/EchidnaFit8786
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    CitySeeker Tron This feels like coercive conduct and an attempt to isolate you. It also seems to end any possibility of career growth.
    via u/CitySeekerTron
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    theomnichronic Keep your job. He can go ahead and fight for sole custody, under what basis will he get it? He won't. Courts try to give 50/50 no matter what. If you quit he'll have full control over YOU
    via u/theomnichronic
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    modalkaline I don't even understand the offer. He has her entire salary set aside from the family money. So now he'll give to it to her and what? She'll keep paying half the bills with it? What was that money doing before? Why isn't it already part of the household budget?
    via u/modalkaline
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    great2b_here This is scary. Has he always been like this? It sounds like he's trying to control you, almost to the point you can't even leave your own home. He's using your own child against you already. Please talk to someone about this. It sounds like he could potentially harm you and your baby if you don't appease him. Please stay safe.
    via u/great2b_here
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    Current-Ad562 OP No. He turned 180 degrees now after new year. He has never talked about work. But now I have been thinking about the subtle things, the gym, going out without him, he will always drive me to and from everywhere and never take an uber even late at night. But I never thought it was control. It was just him being him
    via u/Current-Ad562

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relationship marriage baby pregnancy toxic-husband job work wife working married life relationships husband pregnant married toxic relationship relationship drama
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